Friday, October 8, 2010

It's Time

After our second miscarriage I haven't been all that excited to begin trying again. Of course I want that baby so badly, but I've been too scared to really want it. What scares me the most is that I can't get excited for a positive pregnancy test because I'm too scared it will all end terribly.

The first positive came out of the blue after trying for 5 months. We had kinda given up and just decided we would wait it out until we could go see a specialist around the 6 month mark. Then, I got sick took the test and wham! here we are celebrating, naming a baby and dreaming about a nursery for a month. And then I have a little spotting, everyone says not to worry but this is different I can tell. The Dr. squeezes me in and takes what felt like gallons of blood. Sent me home on bed rest and said call back in a few days. The few days just happened to be the worst cramps and bleeding I have ever experienced in my life. I knew what had happened, but I was able to keep a little hope that maybe I was wrong. The Dr. called Monday to confirm what I had suspected. Miscarriage #1. He gave us the go ahead to try again right away since we were only a little over 7 weeks.

A little over 7 weeks later I'm sick again and complaining because I just want a normal cycle like all the statistics say I should have. I can't figure out what is going on until I take yet another test, and so begins our blissfully celebration. We are absolutely certain that this pregnancy will go well, statistics show that 85% of women have a healthy pregnancy following a miscarriage. Well, we didn't get too celebrate too long because just a few days after the positive test the spotting begins again. This time I didn't have to wait as long for the blood work, the Dr. was able to confirm on day 1 that this was the beginning of Miscarriage #2. This was also the start of what was supposed to be a great weekend. Our friends were getting married; we were going to be in Hesston to tell our families in person. Nope, all our families got were us, sad, depressed and me still suffering from the bleeding, cramping and morning sickness that go along with a miscarriage.

So here we are 12 weeks later and I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have to get another positive to get the baby. I have to take that risk that things may not go as planned. I've convinced myself that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Even if worst case scenario, our next pregnancy ends in miscarriage it will be #3. This is the magical number in the infertility world, after miscarriage #3 you are diagnosed with recurrent miscarriages and can begin the testing to figure out what is wrong.

So, moral of the story is that I'm going to face this next few months with happy, excited, anticipation. And when we get that next positive I'm going to allow myself to be happy, to dream about colors for the nursery and names for my sweet little baby. I've decided that this is the path that I will be taking. It has taken me awhile to make this decision, but I'm sticking to it.

Wish me luck!

- Morgan


  1. We are keeping you in our prayers! We love you both!

  2. thanks for outing yourself! i had no idea you blogged...and were so open. thanks for sharing your story. will say a little prayer tonight that things go they way you want!